4.4.5 Emotional Intelligence

I go on a bit about intelligence in general here but in this Sub-Chapter I want to discuss emotional intelligence. For further reading I recommend the popular book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, (c. 1995).

Now if you have read the website from the start (like a book) you will have already come across the term good enough so by now you will be familiar with it.  If you haven’t – have a look at the link!

In that vein I propose the concept of the emotionally intelligent [1] enough adult because even the most emotionally healthy person is on a journey and will never reach perfection.

I would like to outline what I think are the benefits of good enough emotional intelligence in respect of expending and saving energy.

If we are mature adults with good enough emotional intelligence, we will engage in activities and practices that maintain our physical health.  We will also make the space for ourselves, (and feel that we deserve space) to seek out appropriate mental stimulation, i.e. studies, hobbies or activities that are of interest to us and/or employment in which we are happy. We will also acknowledge (and appreciate and celebrate) our spirituality.

With emotional health, we will be able to manage our negative emotions e.g. anger, fear, envy, shame, etc. and keep them in perspective (that is, they will not dominate) and thus we will be able to maintain good enough relationships.

In particular, if we feel down or depressed, or that the world is against us, we are confident that the feeling will pass.  And similarly, if we are over the moon happy, we will enjoy the moment while knowing that this feeling is also transient. (See also; this post).

All these factors will feed back into our emotional state to maintain, and indeed further enhance emotional health as we grow.  This feedback loop of good enough emotional intelligence will increase our energy levels as we will not be wasting precious energy on matters that we cannot change.

When I think of emotional intelligence, in the context of energy, I often think of the Alcoholic Anonymous serenity prayer: God give me the courage to change the things that I can change, let go of what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Trying to change things that we cannot change – as Hank Williams might say, minding other people’s business – or, to put it another way, interfering in things that we have no right to change – uses up vast amounts of energy.

In the previous post I referred to good enough emotional intelligence. I propose that it is as essential, (thereby offering a better chance for long-term change – and, over time, saving a lot of energy), when protecting children, to attend to the emotional health of a parent/carer as it is to attend to the emotional health of a child.

The reasons that I state this are twofold.

~ Firstly the parents are in charge!

~ The second (and more subtle) reason, is that often, when someone changes for the better in a family, there may be an unconscious negative reaction from other family members to the change.

As we grow, the more difficult it is to view change, even change for the better, in an enthusiastic manner.  This might not always be the case, and there will, of course, be exceptions, but I believe that it is common enough to be worthy of consideration here.

Most families affected by imprisonment are also affected by addiction, where I believe reluctance to what most outside observers would consider change for the better is particularly prevalent.

Most of this perceived reluctance is due to energy factors. To live one’s life in a different way, i.e. taking the road less travelled, requires a lot of energy (particularly at the start of the journey) so there is a natural in-built resistance to it.

Getting back to change for the better, if a troublesome child in a family affected by addiction begins behaving well, the initial relief may be countered by an unconscious negative reaction among other members of the family, as all will need to take up new roles to readjust to the new situation.

For instance the caretaker who took care of everyone else may miss the role and feel undervalued or unwanted and become troublesome.  The achiever, or hero who the family could always depend on to bring pride may be envious and begin failing in school.  The older the children, the more sedimented, or firmly established these roles are, and the more difficult the adjustments will be. (Once again I refer to the book – Children Under The Influence, by Michael Hardiman). [1]

Indeed (and, from the practitioner’s point of view this is the tricky bit) the parent/carer(s) themselves, despite consciously desiring a better behaved child, may have an unconscious need to have crisis in their lives so when the troublesome child is behaving well this need will be transferred onto another child, or back onto the previously troublesome child in a different guise.

However if parents/carers, particularly young parents/carers with young children, change for the better with respect to their emotional responsibilities, the young children will react positively and enthusiastically to the new situation.

The children’s need to simply enjoy their childhood will far exceed other unconscious needs to take on particular roles, mentioned above, that might manifest in adults and/or older siblings.  They will be released from the prison of having to be something that they are not and rather than playing a role that evolves as a result of their parents’ (possible) distress, they will thrive and grow by just being themselves.

The emotional health of the adult is the most important factor in ensuring that a child in his/her care will thrive physically, mentally emotionally, and, most importantly, relationally.

The carers’ wealth, or their level of education, or their physical strength, or their academic/sporting achievements, or their membership of an exclusive club, or their adherence to a creed or belief, etc. is of little value if they do not possess good enough emotional intelligence.

[1]. Apart from Michael Hardiman’s book referred to above, if you are interested, look up (widely available) material about how, in families that are affected by addiction, children take up different roles, e.g. scapegoat, lost child, clown, caretaker, achiever etc.

I have outlined the benefits of attending to the emotional health of the parent here – and indeed the contents of that post could apply in any area of mainstream society.

With parents affected by imprisonment, it is often far more challenging, more painstaking, and needs more creativity, tenacity and therefore more energy than attending to the emotional health of the children, however worthy and necessary that is in itself.  (Of course the ideal is to work in tandem with both children and parents in a meaningful and holistic manner).

In the short term it will be more challenging (and more expensive) for organisations, but the long-term dividends will far outweigh the costs, whether human or material.

All practitioners who have worked or are working in this field will recognise how energy draining it is to support people who experience frequent crises due to the effects of imprisonment.

The emotionally intelligent organisation will be able to save a lot of energy because, generally speaking, emotional intelligence enables us to get a firm grasp of the essentials, separate the wood from the trees, and put plans in place that are based on reality and not myth (which we will be dealing with in a later Sub-Chapter) – a huge saver of energy.

In particular, when attending to the emotional health of the parents, the organisation is more likely to have the long view – i.e. the parents will be with the child far more, and be a greater influence on the child than any other entity that the child will come into contact with.

And finally, emotional intelligence will also optimise the long term decision-making ability of the parents.  This is (obviously) true when a parent is at home every day, but is also true if the parent is in prison – which posits the necessity to maintain as much contact as is feasible, safe and nurturing during the time of imprisonment.