Basing my observations on the example of little children playing that I just mentioned, I believe that our default position (to use a computer-type expression) is to be playful.

The reason for this is that we are born to learn new things – and the best way to learn something is to be exposed to it, and then practice it, in a relaxed, playful environment where there is no pressure to perform. The families that we are born into are the best places to do this. And the hallmark of a good enough family is responsible (and responsive) playfulness – which, as we have said already, is one of the characteristics of secure attachment.

I didn’t know this until I was in my mid-thirties.

I thought that play was separate to work, and even then, play itself, whether it was tiddlywinks, darts, or field games, was associated with competition – which is a kind of work of sorts.  I believed that play for play’s sake – with no purpose except to enjoy oneself, was – well, self-indulgent or even a little lacking in virtue – and kind of went against the little prayer book of my childhood.

For example, I didn’t know, when I was having fun in University, playing music, drinking and totally neglecting my studies – lucky me – that I was learning valuable social, peer relationship, (and indeed musical) skills that I had not learned up to that time in my life. I was also testing my limits in respect of acceptable behaviour and formulating norms of living.

But instead of enjoying the experiences, I was filled with an underlying guilt that would pop its head up now and again to tell me that I shouldn’t be playing music and drinking, and I should be studying, or, using the money I was spending on drink on something useful.

And, on experiencing the difficult-to-swallow pill of failure, I learned the very valuable life lesson that (as I mentioned earlier) in order to succeed academically – unlike some of my brainier fellow-students – I had to work hard. All play and no work didn’t fill me with much satisfaction in the long term, really!

A very simple (and maybe simplistic) reason why my University years were all play and no work probably lay in the fact that in school (where like all children, a large part of my waking hours was spent every week) we were not allowed play at all – except at prearranged times and places organised in advance by the teachers. And – when it came to organised sport – even having fun was serious.

So, both from my own educational experience and from my observations of the world in general, I believe that suppression (or, indeed, prohibition) of our natural tendency to be playful is very harmful to our development.

Or, if play and fun are unpleasant experiences (for example cruel sarcastic comments or harsh put-downs which cause others to laugh at our expense, or, memories of being excluded as I referred to in the example in the previous post of teenagers slagging) then, when we look for help with something, encountering genuine heartfelt playfulness is refreshing and – once again I might say – creative.

If, on the other hand, we encounter everyone taking everything really seriously it may trigger (at least) insecure avoidant attachment behaviour that we associate with over-seriousness.

Many people in distress expect this kind of response anyway so it is no surprise when it is encountered.

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